Alexis Stewart Wants To Be a Mother
August 5, 2007 by Jeanne
Martha Stewart’s daughter, Alexis, who many of you may remember from The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (if you watched), really wants to have a baby but it has been difficult. Here’s the story
In the newest issue of People, Alexis Stewart, 41, daughter of author, editor and homemaking advocate, Martha Stewart, 65, shares her struggle to have a baby. In her own words, Alexis begins her story.
“I wanted a baby when I was 37. But when my mother got into trouble, I couldn’t think about it. About two years ago, after all that was over, I got back on track.
I’m single now, but having my own kid is the most important thing in my life, so I am trying everything I can: fancy doctors, expensive drugs, high-tech procedures. Most people can’t afford what I am doing, I am really lucky; I know that.
I also know it would have been infinitely easier if I’d tried to get pregnant when I was married. But my ex and I were completely ambivalent about kids. We weren’t ready.
Now, I no longer have the luxury of having doubts. A child is your legacy. What better thing can you do in life than put a really good person in the world who’s going to make it a better place?
And my mom’s just desperate. She has wanted grandchildren forever. Forever! She’s always like, ‘For my birthday, I would like you to be pregnant.’ And I’m like, ‘Me too!’
My gynecologist always said, ‘Oh, I had my first kid at 40,’ so I never panicked. I actually thought it would just take a couple of months to get pregnant and then I’d be done.
But I’ve learned a few things people should know. Take all these movie stars we see on magazine covers who are having babies in their 40s. If you say to a fertility doctor, ‘So-and-so just had twins at 45, he’ll tell you bluntly, ‘It’s not her egg.’
But no one says that in these articles. They don’t even say, ‘It’s an exception’ or ‘It’s very rare to have a baby in your mid-40s.’ Instead, everyone acts like it’s normal. And that creates unrealistic expectations.
You know whose picture you don’t see? The movie star in her 40s who didn’t have the baby. I don’t think a lot of women know how much their chances of having a child diminish as they age.
Woman also don’t know that once you turn 40, a lot of fertility clinics won’t even talk to you. They’re like ‘Hmm, we can’t help you, you’re too old.’ The first place I went to cost $10,000 a month and came highly recommended. But, like a lot of fertility clinics, they’re very worried about keeping their success rates high.
When I didn’t respond to the drugs after three months, they basically said, ‘Don’t bother,’ and kept asking, ‘Why don’t you use a donor egg?’ Finally, I said, ‘You’re fired.’
Since December, I’ve been going to the New York Fertility Institute in Manhattan. The drugs cost $6,000, the doctors and in vitro fertilization procedures about $20,000 to $27,000 — a month.
They give me, like, eight times as many drugs than the other place did to stimulate egg production, then check me every two to four days.
I take two shots a day. Most of my friends freak out about the shots, and leave the room in tears. But if you don’t look, it doesn’t hurt. Twice, I’ve given myself shots on the street. I’m much more interested in taking my medication than in what anyone might think about me.
Once a month, I inject myself with a drug that causes me to ovulate in 36 hours. Just before the 36 hours are up, I go to the doctor’s office and they put me under anesthesia and use an 18-inch needle to remove about 10 eggs. Then, I go home to my apartment in Tribeca, change and get ready for my Sirius Radio Show, Whatever, that I co-host at 5 p.m.
The doctor, meanwhile, fertilizes the eggs right away, using a technique called ICSI [intra cytoplasmic sperm injection], which involves poking a hole in each egg and shoving a sperm in to create an embryo.
I’m using an anonymous donor, but not from a ‘genius’ bank. Those are creepy.
After the doctor conducts an embryo biopsy for Down syndrome and the myriad of other things you might find around the three-month pregnancy mark, he says, “Eight out of 10 are not healthy” or whatever.
Then, he tries to [transfer] the healthy embryos. I’ve had two transfers; they haven’t stuck.
Last month after my egg retrieval, the clinic left a phone message saying I should call. They were going to tell me how many embryos were healthy. I never did. I could wait a week for my next appointment to find out.
When it may be just another emotional blow, I sometimes don’t need to know right away; knowing won’t change it. If there are not healthies, I try to let it go immediately, because you can go crazy. Crazy.
But I’m not even close to stopping. I’m trying to build up a supply of healthy embryos because ideally, I’d love to have two kids.
I tell people who are 40, or ever 35, if you have the money, freeze your eggs, or better yet, embryos. If you don’t have a husband, get an anonymous donor. That way, if you never find Mr. Perfect, you have options.
As for me, it doesn’t hurt my body to keep trying. And if it doesn’t work? I’ll worry about that if and when the time comes.
Tags: alexis stewart, alexis martha stewart, alexis martha stewart pregnancy
“If you don’t have a husband, get an anonymous donor.” I was conceived by donor sperm and I find Alexis Stewart’s comment (above) offensive and misinformed. How dare she deny her future child the right to know their father?
I am one of thousands of people enraged about the denial of any knowledge regarding half our genetic makeup, not to mention the absence of a father and the fact that we will invariably have hundreds of half siblings we can never trace. Being conceived in such a fashion leaves a huge void – we look in the mirror and don’t recognise our own faces.
People don’t have the right to donor assisted conception if they are going to be so blase’ and not insist on information on the donor, which they can pass on to their child. Donor anonymity is wrong. We should be given information on our donors, if only for our health’s sake. I am lucky – I have recently been put in touch with a half brother; the same donor was used for both of us. But we have both suffered for years until now. We have had to pay for DNA testing and undergo an agonising wait to be matched. And we are the lucky ones.
So when Alexis Stewart marches on to motherhood with cavalier disregard for the rights of her unborn child, she ought to consider what that child will think of her when confronting the enigma of their identity. Donor assisted conception can be a wonderful gift, but should only be bestowed on those who have the insight necessary to raise a happy child.
Philippa,
Thank you for adding a deeply personal and moving element to this story. I, too, found it a bit disheartening but I don’t have the experience with the situation to really comment. Sadly, there are even women who, after conceiving the good old fashioned way, cannot tell their children who their father is. Watching any episode of Maury will show how agonizing it can be.
Stay strong, I am glad you came to my site and left me such a powerful message
Philippa,
I may have to use donor eggs, because I may not be able to genetically have my own children at age 33. I will never tell my children that they were donor, and then they won’t have your issues. I don’t think you have a right to complain about not knowing your biological donor, who wanted to help someone achieve the most precious thing in life- having a child- but who obviously did not want to be located to be a father. You are here and are loved. What if you were in your mother’s shoes or in my shoes? You would never have a child? That is a really unfair and selfish view. Nothing was taken away from you because you never had it. What if someone suddenly took away your ability or your right to have a child that you would have been an absolutely wonderful mother to. How would you feel??? Would that be okay, or would you fight for it?
Think about it.
There is nothing wrong with celebrities using donor egg to conceive a child. Its their business and no one else’s. People who get all nosy about how someone else’s child was conceived, need to get a life and a hobby.
This woman seems like an insensitive witch who doesn’t deserve a child. I’m 26 and I went through 5 IVF cycles and I am currently expecting a little boy. Her flippant nature about infertility, age, and money all seem like prime reasons why she shouldn’t have a child. You don’t have a child so you can “leave a legacy”. You have a child to love.
What’s wrong with adopting a child already out there that needs a family?
What a waste of money she is throwing away.
In response to Alice’s comment, if people kept their personal lives personal then it wouldn’t matter: Alexis Stewart chose to broadcast her situation, which can only provoke a reaction and influence others in their decisions to have assisted conception.
I am speaking from experience as someone conceived as a result of donor sperm. I have nothing against the concept of assisted donor conception, per se, as I made clear before. I am against a child being denied all knowledge of their father or mother. Who is to know that they will not go on to date a half sibling? There is a strong moral case for ensuring children know who their parents are. The effects of not ever knowing a single thing about my dad are hard to bear.
Are you donor conceived Alice? Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but unless you have personal experience of this, please have more grace and respect than to tell me to keep my feelings to myself over an issue that is very close to my heart.
As a 35 year-old mother of 2 HEALTHY daughters, one who happens to have Down syndrome, I read with mild interest your article on Alexis Stewart’s “struggle” to have a baby. When I got to the second to last paragraph, I literally bolted straight up from my lounging position. If Miss Stewart continues to pick and choose which embryos she and her doctors see fit to implant after they “conduct an embryo biopsy for Down syndrome and the myriad other things you might find”, I imagine she’ll continue to struggle. I can’t say I’ll have much sympathy for her. I am certain that she is unaware how insulting and hurtful her comments are to those of us whose lives have been blessed and enriched by a child with Down syndrome or any other special need. Our children are not castaways. I would encourage Miss Stewart to implant all of the viable embryos and take what God gives her. Or, if she turns to adoption, why not use her tremendous means to welcome a special needs child into her family. I am sure Grandma Martha would be a great advocate for any grandchild and I think both she and her daughter would be greatly surprised at the path their life would take.
I am the grandmother of three very beautiful, healthy grandchildren. I totally understand Martha Stewart’s desire for this to happen in her life. Being a grandmother is beyond wonderful! Being a mother is beyond wonderful! Perhaps in the much bigger picture, Alexis is overlooking something critical to having a child. It is loving and wanting whomever (girl or boy) and however (healthy or not). Alexis’s remark about the picking and choosing of embryos sent chills down my spine. It is assembly line lingo. It also made me grateful for my daughters. Seven years ago Sophia was born. She is healthy, beautiful and has Down Syndrome. I see her constantly and her embrace sends me to heaven. Everytime I see her, she tells me just how much she loves me and I have learned so much from her presence in my life. I would encourage Alexis to expand her thinking and her love. Be different. Apolgize in public for her insensitivity in presenting her facts and information.
Jessica, Why do you feel the need to criticize so harshly? There are reasons why someone who knows they are purposely taking a risk with eggs which are chromosomally damaged (at her age, approximately 75 % of her eggs are chromosomally abnormal) would consider that they are responsible for the outcome. I grew up with a girl who had Down’s Syndrome, and you are so right: These children can be a blessing, and do teach wonderful lessons. You are articulate and heartfelt on that point (you are speaking from your own perspective, which is valuable, but does not give you a right to be righteous, and judgemental and harsh that is how your post comes across. Nobody is calling your child a “castaway” — another woman with another life is making a choice to be responsible for a risk she is taking regarding the health of her future child. I see nothing wrong in taking that responsibility.
As for the “why doesn’t she adopt a special needs child” outcry: that is not appropriate. Who do you think you are? Have some humility instead of using your life as a way to bash other people with their own struggles?
I’ll bet your daughter wouldn’t do such a thing.
And by the way, nobody I know in my church, including a woman with a natural child with Downs Syndrome, and an adopted daughter with Downs Syndrome, and including the pastor who introduced me to my husband, would agree with you about God giving someone Downs Syndrome.
Ava, have you adopted a child? If not, you shouldn’t pontificate on the subject. If you did, please have some humility and respect for your (not so easy–I’m know) decision and not hand it out to others as if it is nothing. It’s not nothing.
Sorry, Philippa that you are struggling so with whatever your identity issues are around your conception. I don’t believe you speak for all. Admittedly, I don’t know any adults who were conceived this way, but I do know children. And all I see is how intensely loved they are. I am not by any means dismissing what you say, but just because you are struggling, doesn’t mean you can proclaim “it is wrong” with immunity. I know several people who were abandoned by their parents and adopted. These people have great lives and wonderful families and are extraordinarily happy. My grandfather on the other hand was abandoned by his mom as a small child and never knew either one of his parents from that day on. Never had contact again. His mom brought him to the US from Ireland to live with 2 aunts and his mom returned to Ireland and he never heard from her again. His marriage to my grandmother was sadly not his road to happiness (they did not get along at all) and he always had a void, such as what you are speaking of. My mother says she remembered days when he sat on his bed with the one photo he had of his mother and he would cry. That man sadly had a deep deep identity issue, but I think the key for him was a real lack of love in his life (though my mom loved him).
I hope you can find peace. Good luck.
Jaimie, you are very very young, so the idea of a legacy is not something that is on your radar yet. Gain 20 years of life, and legacy is very much on most people’s minds (and it doesn’t make one a witch–it makes one middle-aged) and it typically is manifested through leaving a legacy of the family you have created. There is nothing more fulfilling than that.
One legacy I hope you dont’ leave your child is the cruelty you have exhibited here. Telling someone they don’t deserve a child is the height of arrogance, and tells me that the painful lessons I know you have learned through your infertility are in danger of going to waste. If one does not grow wiser and kinder and more humble in the face of that affliction, it is a tragic loss of a vital opportunity in my opinion.
Mary SJ,
“Criticizing so harshly”? The only one doing criticizing here is you since it seems that you have something to say to everyone who has posted here. I don’t agree that my post comes across as “righteous, judgmental, and harsh” especially when I am just pointing out the facts. Is she not picking and choosing the embryos that will be implanted? And if passionately spreading awareness about Down syndrome makes me righteous, I’ll take that as a compliment. I don’t quite understand your comments about your friends at church and how they wouldn’t agree with me about “God giving someone Down syndrome” because I didn’t say that. In any case, God creates all life and I know He meant for my daughter to have Down syndrome as sure as he meant for me to have brown eyes. I would be very curious to hear honestly what your pastor and church have to say about that-not what you think they would say. By the way, we are all entitled to our opinions and I have taken something away from what everyone here has said, whether I agree or not.
Taylor, you sound as if you will make a very good mother, but I beg you to reconsider telling your children the truth. I think it is only fair to do so and to try and gain as much information on the donor as possible.You may only have one child, who may be desperate to find half-siblings. All my life I wanted a brother or sister and it has taken 30 years.
I sensed there was something not right when I was young. I wondered if I was adopted and started asking questions. I have heard many similar stories, particularly where the child does not bear many similarities, physically or personality-wise, to their parents. I do feel that if you tell your children when they are young and if you are always open, it can work. I have been worked up recently due to the volume of articles in the press thanks to new laws which have been the subject of some debate in the UK. I am finding some people’s lack of empathy alarming.
I totally agree that I was loved and wanted. I am grateful to my donor, but I do feel I am entitled to lament not knowing anything about him. I disagree with your view that I am selfish. Unless you too don’t know half of your identity, you cannot know how it feels. I have had so many people say I look foreign and it is wearing to have to keep on telling lies. My sense of loss has been compounded by my social father not having anything to do with me from a young age. I will never forget how lucky I am, however, to have my mother’s family.
Believe me, I have thought long and hard about whether I would have donor assisted conception, if that were ever necessary. If you re-read my first comment, you will see I am not against donor conception; I am passionately against the lies and deceit where children aren’t told the truth and I am angered at the total absence of information.
I think I would consider donor assisted conception or adoption. I would only use donor eggs or sperm if I could have details and be able to trace the donor. Try understanding how it might feel to be asked by doctors what the family medical history is and not to know. Do you make it up? Do you tell the truth? Besides medical conditions and not being able to trace family, e.g. for a kidney match or bone marrow transplant, there is the real issue of siblings dating half siblings, or this occurring further down the family tree.
I sincerely wish you all the best in starting a family and I hope you will have the courage to tell your children the truth. I believe it is their right to know. If they ever find out by accident, imagine the hurt and sense of betrayal they will feel. I know of many people who have found out by accident or who have been told at a late age, often because one of their parents has developed a serious illness. Please reconsider, otherwise you risk compromising the most special bond you can ever have. I presume you will be carrying your child(ren) and so that bond will start long before they are born. I know from experience that the most important things are love, honesty and integrity. Please talk to other people in my position before closing your mind to telling the truth.
Mary, thank you for your comment. Admittedly, I am struggling at the moment, but this is mainly due to the insensitive comments I have heard in recent days from people who have no experience of being donor conceived.
I was always loved and I was wanted. I don’t proclaim donor assisted conception wrong. What I find morally wrong, is the lack of truth, transparency and information. I too have a number of adopted friends, who were certainly much better off with their adoptive families. I don’t say that I am in a worse or a better position, because I don’t think they are comparable. The main difference is that an adopted child has a far greater chance of being given information on their parents and much better odds of tracing their biological family. Donor assisted conception can be met with derision – I have had some very sarcastic comments made when people have found out the truth about my conception. I used to be ashamed of it, but I am no longer.
I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. I know he must have suffered far more than I have for I have been loved unconditionally. It is just that there are so many more things that could be done to assist people like me to connect with their identities. I am from a very small family, so once my mother dies, there is just me. I have heard from numerous people who have been suicidal, which they claim is because they don’t know of their origins. I can sympathise because for some time I didn’t feel like a valid person. I apologise for this ridiculously long post, but I feel some of my comments haven’t been fully understood. I hope that I have clarified my views. Probably I have just made things worse, in which case I will brace myself for a barrage of abuse.
Re Taylor’s comment:
I am still somewhat annoyed at your accusation that I don’t have the right to complain about not knowing my biological father. How would you feel if someone said to you that you don’t have the right to complain about having difficulty conceiving or do anything about it? It sounds pretty harsh, doesn’t it? I imagine that would incense you, as it is something very close to your heart. Maybe it will give you an insight into how your rather thoughtless comment makes me feel.
Philippa,
Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they can’t tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. I can only imagine how you must feel not knowing your biological father. I wish there was an easy answer for you and I truly hope you do find some peace in your life. I think you are bringing awareness to an ever-increasing issue. Your plight seems similar to mainatining open records for adoption (as far as medical issues, half-siblings,etc) which is whtythey’ve changed adoption laws over the past 25 years. Continue to be an advocate for yourself!
Thank you Jessica, it is good to hear from someone with empathy! After seeing your first post, I intended to write a comment to you – I was outraged at the way Alexis Stewart seems to look on donor assisted conception as little more than a Brave New World at her disposal.
My mum used to work as a social worker and some of her clients’ children had Downs’. They were invariably lovely families and the children always seemed incredibly happy, fulfilled, loving and full of humour. I was honoured that one family named their daughter after me.
I am feeling a lot more calm after my rants! I’m not normally this highly strung, but the traditional lack of regard for the child seems to be perpetuated by parents who insist on denying their children the truth, which many perceive to be a violation of the UN convention on the right to identity – (or some Convention – I forget which)! I have to admit, my heritage hasn’t always troubled me, but the past five years have been difficult. I am happier now than I have been in years because I have been put in touch with a half-sibling, hence my anger at people who intend to deny their children of that chance of fulfillment.
Once again, many thanks for your comments and good luck to you too in making your views heard.
Taylor,
Ok, let me get this straight. You plan on conceiving a child using another person’s DNA and then never have the decency to tell said child how they came into the world because you want…no… feel you are entitled to a baby. And you have the nerve to tell Phillippa that SHE’s the selfish one.
You know, the thing about babies is that they grow up into people. Thinking people who know how to ask questions. Questions like, “Gee Mommy. Why don’t I look anything like you?”
Are you ready to raise your child living a lie? Really?!!
I think maybe you are the one who needs to take a step back here and really think about what you are doing.
To all that take such a disregard for doner concieved children..the point is that a human is being created that has a right to know how they were concieved and who actually is responsble for their very own unique and nothing to do with the women who carried them existence. That human is NOT responsible for the women who can not have childrens happiness, that person who was concieved has a right to know thier own genes for heavens sake……itis the person that being brought into the world thats important. As horrible as it is to be infertile , the first thought as a women decides how to become a parent is the effect on the child and the childs needs, not the mothers needs to parent!
If it is done with respect to the child(giving them the right to know where their genes came from, what medical issues they could have, who they might look like and just plain ole respect for the genes differnces) and the mother is able to bring that child up with a sense of worth, that they were concieved for the purpose of living their own life, and giving and recieving love, AND NOT BECAUSE OF A WOMENS NEED TO PARENT ONLY.
Respect the kids and their unique positions, not the adults who choose a situation that the little one has no choice over.
If that can be done then all the power to them, enjoy your children, enjoy life and the love and respect given back will be tenfold. If you don’t repect who they really are then you can expect confusion and resntment.
Taylor, You’re an incredibly selfish person. I wish you wouldn’t have children.
Alexis Stewart gambled on her fertility, and she lost. Ironic that her mother, who is rich enough to buy anything, can’t buy a grandchild. Also that Martha’s trial and prision term (for stealing, what 50K?) has “cost” her daughter her chance to give birth to a biological grandchild.
I am a first mother who was pressured, coerced and lied surrendering my son and am in reunion withhim. For him it was very important to know why he was adopted and who his (first) parents are though unfortunately hiis (f) doesn’t want anything to do with him.
My husband and I don’t have children and it took us 11 years to be taken seriously to find out why ~ turned out the problem was with my husband. To cut a long story short we went through Artificial Insemination last year which didn’t work. The point being had it been successful we would have been completely honest with our child, she/he would have known the donor’s name, there would have been some contact and 18 she/he would have had the choice whether to have contact. So much information would have also been known right from the start as we did already know quite a bit about the donor.
If Alexis Stweart was a UK resident and whilst going through this then she would have to be honest if she had a child through this method. It is now law that sperm donors can’t remain anonymous and donor conceived children have the right to know who their donor father is. I am happy that we have this law here as I do belief children do have the right to know. It is a subject close to my heart having been through the pain of adoption and failed AI so I do understand the full implications of it.
Thank you everyone who has recently posted their comments, particularly those who share my views. Jeanne, your article has caused a stir!
Taylor, you say ‘Nothing was taken away from you because you never had it’. Do you realise how insensitive and meaningless that is? One could say the same to you, but somehow, you think the rights of the mother outweigh those of the child. You are the one with choices; as far as knowing half my genetic backgroud is concerned, I was denied that luxury. You are being incredibly selfish and naive in thinking you can raise children on a lie. It is the ultimate deceit and will come back to haunt you, for one day they will discover the truth.
I don’t think anyone who is seriously thinking about anonymous donor conception could do better than to read, reread and read again this excellent article by David Gollancz
http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,2139678,00.htm
Ooops, sorry.
Make that http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,2139678,00.html
I am donor concieved. The absolute biggest hurt in my life, ever, is not knowing who my biological father is. Without a doubt. The second biggest hurt is the fact that I was deceived my whole life regarding the fact that my social father was not my biologic father. If you hide the truth from your child, they will, someday, find out and the consequences will be brutal to the relationship. please dont hide the truth and please dont use an anonymous donor.
I am also donor conceived and wholeheatedly agree with Philippa and A. BUT I also feel a very huge loss in never being allowed to have a loving, meaningful relationship with my biological father, half siblings and extended biological family. Especially after having children of my own.
Three other very edcuation papers that anyone considering donor conception should read are:
“Family History” by David Velleman
http://homepages.nyu.edu/~dv26/Work/ORIGINS.pdf
and
From a ‘bundle of joy’ to a person with sorrow: Disenfranchised grief for the donor-conceived adult by Joanna Rose
http://eprints.qut.edu.au/archive/00000737/01/rose_fromabundle.PDF
and
Gamete donation and anonymity: Should offspring from donated gametes continue to be denied knowledge fo their origins and antecedents?
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/16/5/807
and
Ooops, please excuse all the type-o’s and poor grammar in my previous post. I wrote in haste. I hope that I was able to get my point across, even if I might have discredited myself with my poor communications/editing/spelling check abilities.
Wow… I had no idea things were going to get this heated over an article that I almost did not publish.
I have found this discussion really interesting and informative. On a personal note, I have grown up without a father and I also suffered from infertility (after two “easy” pregnancies). I got remarried and after 6 miscarriages we finally had our baby and the pregnancy was a nightmare. I can see both sides of the coin.
In Alexis’ case, I would only hope that she is thinking as much of the child as she is of herself. I cannot talk about what it’s like to be a “donor-conceived” child, though I sometimes feel like one.
Donorconceived, you got your point across but if you want me to fix it, I can
All sperm/egg/embryo donation should be illegal (anon or not). Donation creates intentional adoptees. People who use donors are narcissistic and morally bankrupt.
“Donorconceived, you got your point across but if you want me to fix it, I can”
Thank you Jeanne…but it’s ok, I don’t pretend to be anything other than what I am, mistakes and all! I’m just a humble donor conceived person (adult) with an opinion.
Elizabeth said:
“Elizabeth
Aug 11, 2007 at 6:32 pm
All sperm/egg/embryo donation should be illegal (anon or not). Donation creates intentional adoptees. People who use donors are narcissistic and morally bankrupt.”
Elizabeth, I am surprised you would say such a thing, it is so succint, and true.
Thank you
MarySJ,
Yes, I HAVE adopted a child. My darling child who happens to be softly asleep in her bed at this moment.
I would not have suggested that option if I had not. I didn’t feel that wasting thousands of dollars on treatments that are only “what ifs” were needed when there was a little girl out there that needed me and my husband as much as we needed to love her and have her join our family. She brings much joy to our lives and she didn’t have to be biological or blood related or whatever. She only needed love as much as we had a heart full for her.
Also Mary,
I have three precious students that I will see in the morning that have downs syndrome. I can’t imagine my life or their parents’ lives without their pure joy and happiness for life. Yes, frustrating sometimes as they can be, they are precious children all the same. I couldn’t imagine either one of their parents getting rid of them before they were born just because they were different than the so called norm.
MarySJ – you are so on the money about everything you said. I was about to respond to these comments but now I don’t have to!
As the mother of a son conceived at the same fertility clinic in Manhattan as Alexis Stewart I can say that she has a lot of guts to be doing this – and more importantly speaking out about it. The shots alone are grueling. I did PGD for my first cycle and had NO abnormal embryos – all of them were down syndrome and other genetic abnormalities. I was devastated…here I was 37 and the donor egg talk was being brought up. Luckily after another try I was able to produce 3 normals – and I just put one of them down for his nap. I don’t think there is anything wrong with screening for genetic abnormalities – if fact, I think it is smart especially if you know you might terminate a pregnancy if the child were not genetically normal. I applaud Alexis Stewart for speaking out and letting the world know that conceiving after 35 is often very difficult (AND COSTLY). I believe that I am a better mother than I would have been because it was so difficult to get this little boy. I owe New York Fertility Institute and the doctors there so very much. I think of them every day and consider myself fortunate to have been treated by them — and when our son fusses, cries and keeps me up all night I remind myself how damned lucky I am – I would gladly not sleep for the next 20 years to have the pleasure of being a mother to my baby boy.
As for the people who think she should be adopting – how did that become your business? Adoption isn’t for everyone. I’d love to adopt – my husband fears he might not love our adopted child as much — he is entitled to his feelings…so we will not be adopting. I’m gearing up right now for our next IVF session – not looking forward to the 250 shots (I was on the blood thinners also) but I cant’ wait for our next child to arrive — to continue our legacy and also TO LOVE (as if either Alexis Stewart or I have to say that).
Some of you ladies need to get off your high horse….desperately.
And for the women who think that donor egg should be illegal because it creates adoptees? Holy Christ. You are really twisted… However you get a child to love – whether it is biologically, by adoption, fostering, donor egg/sperm – everyone should be able to make that decision without people like you interfering…. To be honest, I think that people like YOU should never have been born….you are all this is wrong with this world.
I would comment on Suzanne’s posts, but I have better things to do. I was going to suggest she re-reads people’s articles to detect the nuances (there are shades of grey), however, on reflection, I think an empathy transplant might be more appropriate.
Based on what she said in her interview, Alexis Stewart will be a selfish and thoughtless mother. She admits that she does not care about her child’s needs or feelings. She doesn’t care about her child’s health. She doesn’t respect her child’s ancestry. Someday that child will face her and ask to know the other 50% of his or her parentage. But by then, it will be too late to get an answer. Let’s just hope the child doesn’t contract a genetic illness. Or date a sibling.
I did contract a genetic illness that nearly killed me because my doctors didn’t know what to look for. Why is it illegal for people like me (and Alexis’ future child) to know our medical heritage?
To suggest that “nothing was taken away from you because you never had it” insults every person who does not know who they are or where they come from, whether because of selfish parents or fear-based laws.
Suzanne,
Some of THESE women should get off their high horse? It doesn’t get much higher than playing God. You are basically deciding which children YOU think should come into this world by screening for “abnormals”. I find that really surprsing given your struggles to conceive. My heart is absolutely breaking for those “abormals” you discarded-not to mention the 2 “normals”. If one is napping in the other room, where ar the other 2? This is a much bigger issue than pro-life/pro-choice. This is the stuff that made Hitler envision the perfect race. Someday, what is to stop people from discarding embryos that don’t meet their criteria? One day we will be able to test for intelligence, eye color, inherited diseases,etc. It is SCARY to think there are so many people out there who want whatever their vision of perfect is and will abort as many embryos as necessary to get it. Where do you draw the line? What makes you think a genetically “abnormal” life isn’t worth living? Or is it more about what you want? I am absolutely heartsick after reading some of these posts. I have no problems conceiving but I also take what God gives me. My 7-year old with Down syndrome just came over to my computer and asked why I’m crying. A pretty “normal” and astute question coming from an “abnormal” child.
Suzanne,
I have been reading these posts with an open mind and trying to embrace and respect all of the views and opinions that were given. I must say though Suzanne your post really brought me to tears. At 33 I found out that it was going to be not be able to have children “naturally” and my husband and I decided to go through invitro. To make a long story short after all was said and done there were only three embryos. We decided to implant all three we did not know if we would have twins, triplets, etc. I just prayed and asked GOD for a healthy child. Well, today we are the proud parents of a beautiful 4 year old little boy who has Down Syndrome. There is absolutely nothing “abnormal” about him. He is very active, he reads, swims, rides his bike, laughs, hurts cries like all children. He has a smile that is infectious and he has brought so much joy into our families lives. I can’t imagine chosing to terminating my pregnancy because of his diagnosis. How do you go through the whole process of invitro and have the chance to have a child but because it is not “perfect” you choose not to. I guess what really disturbs me (and if I am wrong please forgive me) is that you insuate that having DS is such a bad thing. I believe what you have said is very insensitive since there are people with DS who live very productive lives they go to college and work just like you and me. We are not “lucky” but very blessed to have our son in our lives.
I do realize that it was your decision not to have these embryos implanted and I do not judge you. I would ask you not do make such generalizations as to what is normal or abnormal because it is very hard not to take offense. My son is a child first who happens to have Down Syndrome.
I am writing because so many of the comments have been disturbing to me in so many ways. As a mother of 3 BEAUTIFUL and HEALTHY children I cannot imagine deciding if I wanted them if they were not my definition of normal. I had my first child at 34, my second at 37 and my third at 40. In none of these pregnancies was screening for “normals” an option for me. I wanted children and I wanted what God’s plan was for me. I now have a 7 year old son, a 4 year old daughter and a 19 mo old daughter….who happens to have Down Syndrome. Did I cry when I was told she had Downs in the hospital. I won’t lie…yes I did. But in only 19 mos I have come to realize that those tears were not needed. Samantha is healthy and happy and shows us more love and affection than anyone I have ever seen. My other 2 children embrace her with a kind of acceptance and love that you rarely see in siblings. They also so such an outpour of love for other children with special needs.
Will my daughter ever drive? Will she go to college? I don’t know these answers. Am I guaranteed these answers with Joey and Kerilyn??? There are no written guarantees stamped on our children’s butts. And they certainly aren’t stamped on your “normals” that you speak of. What’s to say they won’t have autism or ADHD or depression or have eating disorders….should I go on? Are these things detected in your “normals”? Does this mean you will not want them?
My prayer is that one day a mother who’s child is born with Down Syndrome will not cry, but will embrace her newborn as any other and realize what a gift she has been given. ALL children are gifts from God and ALL children deserve to be given the chance to show the world what they can do. Watch out! Because my little Sami is going to be out there showing off her talents in no time and I’m going to be right there beside her….just as I will with her brother and sister!
WOW, it is obvious this is a topic about which many have very definite views. After reading Jessica’s post a week or so ago, I wanted to respond but didn’t know how to word my response. Now, I feel even more strongly about responding so here it goes…
First, I think that people (and obviously fertility doctors) need to be educated about using terminology that is less harsh and less offensive. Think about it “normals”, “healthy”, “abnormal”-how demeaning. The more acceptable terms for children are “typically developing” and a “child with a disability, or a child with Down syndrome-the emphasis should always be on the child, not the disability. So, how about saying “typically developing eggs” vs. “atypically developing eggs”-much less harsh. Semantics, yes, but also much more…..
Another semantic, saying you want a child more than anything is great. However, if you are prescreening your eggs, then say what you want “I want a child with no known genetic disorders more than anything.” (I’m sure this will result in some angry posts but it’s true, isn’t it?).
Next, in regard to the testing for genetic disorders prior to implantation, I do personally feel very strongly that this is morally wrong, and a form of genocide (and I know many of you will disagree with me). I also think it is discriminatory. We are discriminating against those who have a way of being prenatally diagnosed and deciding for them that they are not worth bringing into this world. There is SO much to learn from these children and life can be so wonderful if we allow it to be.
I would also like to point out that there are no tests for autism, cerebal palsy, etc. So all of those “normals” may in fact turn out to be “abnormal”. Then what? Then will you cast them away, put them up for adoption? Of course not, they are your child. You will love them, fight for them and fight for the rights of those with disabilities. So why not do that from the start????
For all of those parents of children with a disability, I applaud you and respect you for fighting for their rights (and yes, as you may have guessed, I am one of them).
Thank you Lora for saying that so beautifully!!! I sat up last night after writing my last comments and came up with almost exactly the same things. It’s a shame that there are still people in this world living in a bubble not affected by our special needs children. They would soon realize it really is a gift and not “a cross” or “a burden”. It may sound simplistic and naive….but it is true. Sami is a blessing for our family and I wouldn’t change her for one moment. She plays, she laughs, she cries and most importantly….she loves. What more would you want for your child? Stop seeing the negatives and realize you may be letting a beautiful thing pass you by. It’s unfortunate for you that you just don’t get it.
Taylor remarked that a donor ‘obviously did not want to be located to be a father’. How exactly would she know? I wish she would do some research. In the UK a register has been set up to help donors and half siblings contact each other if they are matched by DNA testing. A third of those on the register are donors. Given that many donors donated hundreds of times, this shows that a greater proportion of donors to donor conceived adults are wanting to find out more. I have been told that many of them have had qualms with what they have done as they have grown older and thought about their children growing up. Everything Taylor says about donor conception is factually incorrect as she is speaking from her her own limited viewpoint without regard to the truth.
Lora,
I applaud you for your well written response to all of the posts above. Not only were you able to educate posters with “improved” terminology but you were able to express your opinion without sounding self-righteous or name calling. More posts should be as well thought out as yours.
Bravo!
Doing PGD and electing not to transfer chromosomally abnormal embryos is to me somewhat similar to choosing, for example. not to marry a man who has brain damage following a stroke. If a man comes into your life and you marry him, you will learn to cope post-stroke because you have made a commitment to him. But you probably wouldn’t have chosen to commit to a man with brain damage to begin with. But knowing you are high risk and doing PGD to discard chromosomally abnormal embryos is like not marrying the brain damaged man. If you do carry a child and give birth and commit to it, you love your child and honor that commitment to it even if it does have chromosomal/genetic abnormalities. It is ok though to know your embryo has genetic abnormalties and choose not to implant. It is OK to choose to never even begin down that path. Granted, you may find yourself on that path regardless, but it is ok for it to not be your choice.
Please excuse the ramble. I don’t think it is fair to sit in such harsh condemnation of women who choose PGD. A chromosomally abnormal embryo is likely to not even develop properly once implanted and end up miscarrying. If I am spending a small fortune on doing IVF and PGD will help increase the odds (which is open to doubt but that is another conversation) of bringing a baby home with me in nine months, I am wholeheartedly all for it.
Having read most of the above comments, I was saddened to see how many women who desire the same thing – motherhood, could be so misinformed and judgemental. We should be supporting one another, not bashing each others every move. If you have never experienced infertility, you really should not judge a person on their personal choices. Alexis did a lot of women a favor by being honest. The media gives women mixed messages and then they are left to feel as if their own choices in life are somehow punishable. If someone wants to use a donor egg/sperm it is wonderful that the choice exists. If you choose to adopt, awesome. If you are lucky enough to have biological children, please love them well. I believe most women that face infertility never look back once a child enters their world, and they love and appreciate those children more than they could ever express.
I am certain that she is unaware how insulting and hurtful her comments are to those of us whose lives have been blessed and enriched by a child with Down syndrome or any other special need. —–
Insulting how?
She just wish’s to be fair and not bring a child into this world that is already dysfunctional!
Yes if one is blessed with a DOWN CHILDL then they have a responsibility to it.
But to deliberately create one and satisfy a LOOK AT ME I AM A SAINT BECAUSE I AM A CARETAKER OF A CHALLENGED CHILD.. Is a bunch of hula.
Why say “I love you but then sleep in anothers bed??
Face it do you ever ask the question why me GOD?
Ayn Rand.” I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
Life is not a rehearsal……
I’m struggling with infertility and it is extremely difficult and heartbreaking. I have an aunt who did IVF at 45 and had twins (she got pregnant the first try). I am 40 and just had a failed IVF cycle with my own eggs. I told my doctor about my aunt and he told me he doubts she used her own eggs.
Me and everyone else in my family assumes she used her own eggs. I feel betrayed by my aunt for not being honest with me about her experience. Before my IVF cycle, I called asked her about her IVF cycle, how many eggs they retrieved from her, etc. I guess she lied to me. She made up this whole story about how many eggs were retrieved, how many fertilized, etc, when really she must have been talking about what happened with her donor. It set up unrealistic expectations for me.
But I really feel bad for her twins (a boy and a girl). They will probably never know. They are 12 years old now and don’t look anything like us. The girl is angry at her mother for other reasons, mainly because my aunt ignores her and her brother. It is a really sad situation. (It doesn’t change my love for them; they will always be my cousins.)
I’m glad Alexis Stewart is being open and honest about her experience. Women need to know so that they have realistic expectations. I just hope that if she has a child or children, that she doesn’t ignore them and gives them all the love and attention they need.